The Adventures of the Queen of Insanity: Book 3
by Turtle Queen of Freeks
Summary: What's with the hairy feet?
1. An Explanation for This Book

Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit or the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I only own Freece, Turtle, Doctress, Tibby, and Tigris although Tigris and several elves say that it is impossible to own a creature.  
  
Chapter 1  
  
An Explanation for This Book  
  
Hello, kind readers who will be sure to review almost every chapter (hint, hint). I started this book during the creation of The Adventures of the Queen of Insanity: Book 2. Therefore, parts of this story might not be as true now as they were then. Thank you for your patience and lack of violence considering the fact that I'll probably have had this book written for months before I update it. Oh, well.  
  
Toodles!  
  
-Turtle,  
Queen of Freece  
Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs 


	2. An Unexpected Party

Chapter 2  
  
An Unexpected Party  
  
If you have ever read The Hobbit, you should know perfectly well what hobbits are. So here's a basic summary for those of you who haven't used your common sense and read the aforementioned book. A hobbit is a fat midget with hairy feet which is kind of gross if you think about it. I'm so glad that I don't have hairy feet. I can't imagine having to shampoo my feet. Of course, they would smell better, but that's just weird.  
  
Back to the subject. Bilbo Baggins lived in a nice, cozy hole in the ground. It was even decorated pretty. Bilbo was very respected and boring. So was the rest of his family on his father's side. Basically, he was this nerdy little "scaredy-hobbit" who came from a family of nerdy little "scaredy-hobbits". Yet he was very well respected like all stupid boring people.  
  
However boring Bilbo and his family from his father's side were Bilbo's mother was the opposite. Belladonna Took was from a family of very cool (yet empty-headed) hobbits who were nowhere near as respected as the Bagginses. That was simply because the Tooks were inclined to take adventures. So basically hobbits respected other boring hobbits. Bilbo wasn't very much like his mother.  
  
So anyway this really cool wizard dude by the name of Gandalf came up and knocked on the door. Bilbo is all like, "Good morning," even though he had no idea who the heck Gandalf was.  
  
Then Gandalf was all like, "Do you mean that you wish me a good morning? Or that it is a good morning whether I care enough to think it so or not? Or that you feel good this morning? Or that it is a morning to be good upon?" Gandalf was SO good at befuddling people. And Bilbo was certainly befuddled. That wasn't the normal response.  
  
"All of them at once," Bilbo said just because he was too well respected to stand there all day and think of what the wizard meant. "And it's a good morning for you and me to smoke . . . stuff outside. If you have a pipe with you, we can both get high!" So Bilbo sat down and proceeded to get high off some "weeds" from his garden. Gandalf watched as the high hobbit blew smoke rings.  
  
"Ooooh! Pretty," said Gandalf, attempting not to get high. "But I'm a little busy this morning. I'm looking for somebody to go on a highly dangerous adventure that I'm arranging, and it's very hard to find anyone high or stupid enough to-"  
  
"I should think not. People in these parts don't answer the door when they're high. And stupid hobbits are across the river. Besides adventures suck. I heard there might actually shortages of FOOD!" Gandalf wondered why he had ever thought that he could get a boring Baggins to go on a fun adventure with smelly old dwarves. "Good morning! And goodbye!" Bilbo was quite finished with this weirdo.  
  
"You sure use 'Good morning' to express a lot of things. "Now you mean that you want me to leave."  
  
"No, I don't," Bilbo lied. He hated it when weirdoes were right. "What's your name?"  
  
"You're Bilbo Baggins, and I'm Gandalf."  
  
"You mean you're THE Gandalf? DUDE!!!!!!!!!" Basically Bilbo nearly wet himself in excitement.  
  
"Yes, THAT Gandalf. And you get the joy of coming on one of my adventures," Gandalf explained.  
  
"Well, I hate adventures, so bye! But come to tea tomorrow. My treat!" Bilbo called as he slammed his front door behind himself. Then, saying to himself, "Why the heck did I have to invite him to tea?" He promptly forgot that Gandalf existed. Hobbits have bad memories.  
  
~*~THE NEXT DAY~*~  
  
Bilbo had just remembered that somebody was coming to tea that day, when a loud ring came from the door bell. Bilbo answered the door saying, "I am so sorry to keep you waiting." However it wasn't Gandalf. It was a dwarf.  
  
"Dwalin at your service!" said the dwarf hanging his dark green hood on a peg by the door.  
  
Bilbo had no idea what was going on, but what he did know was that he should be polite. "Bilbo Baggins at yours! I am just about to have some tea. Do you want to come and have some with me?" The dwarf did.  
  
~*~MANY RINGING DOORBELLS AND RUSHING ABOUTS LATER~*~  
  
Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur (all dwarves of course) had already arrived and a great many "at your service"'s had been heard.  
  
Gandalf and Thorin (yet another dwarf) arrived last and they continued to eat and drink. Afterwards, the dwarves cleaned up singing,  
  
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!  
Blunt the knives and bend the forks!  
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates-  
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!  
  
Cut the cloth and tread on fat!  
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!  
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!  
Splash the wine on every door!  
  
Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;  
Pound them up with a thumping pole;  
And when you've finished, if any are whole,  
Send them down the hall to roll!  
  
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!  
So, carefully! Carefully with the plates!  
  
They didn't do any of these things, but they certainly scared Bilbo who rushed about telling them to be careful and that they really didn't have to do this. Afterwards they smoked and blew some more smoke rings. Then when it was dark and spooky enough, the dwarves sang hauntingly,  
  
For over misty mountains cold  
To dungeons deep and caverns old  
We must away ere break of day  
To seek the pale enchanted gold.  
  
The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,  
While hammers fell like ringing bells  
In places deep, where dark things sleep,  
In hollow halls beneath the fells.  
  
For ancient king and elvish lord  
There many a gleaming golden hoard  
They shaped and wrought, and light they caught  
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.  
  
On silver necklaces they strung  
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung  
The dragon-fire, in twisted wire  
They meshed the light of moon and sun.  
  
For over the misty mountains cold  
To dungeons deep and caverns old  
We must away, ere break of day,  
To claim our long-forgotten gold.  
  
Goblets they carved there for themselves  
And harps of gold; where no man delves  
There lay they long, and many a song  
Was sung unheard by men or elves.  
  
The pines were roaring on the height,  
The winds were moaning in the night.  
The fire was red, it flaming spread;  
The trees like torches blazed with light.  
  
The bells were ringing in the dale  
And men looked up with faces pale;  
The dragon's ire more fierce than fire  
Laid low their towers and houses frail.  
  
The mountain smoked beneath the moon;  
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.  
They fled their hall to dying fall  
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.  
  
Far over misty mountains grim  
To dungeons deep and caverns dim  
We must away, ere break of day,  
To win our harps of gold from him!  
  
As they sang Bilbo's Tookish side had reign over his entire heart and mind. Sadly, his scaredy-hobbit side took over, and he began to think of either getting a lamp or pretending to so he could go and hide until the dwarves left.  
  
"Where are you going?" inquired Thorin in a knowing voice.  
  
"To get a lamp. It's kind of dark in here," explained/lied Bilbo.  
  
"We like the dark. Dark for dark business!" said the dwarves. If Bilbo was disappointed, he didn't show it. They continued to talk throughout the evening. Gandalf gave Thorin a map and a key to the Lonely Mountain. Then they told Bilbo that he was going to be the burglar, but then Bilbo asked what the heck they were all talking about. After taking a while to explain everything to him (which I won't bother putting here, because you should have read the book :P) Gandalf and Thorin continued to talk about the map and key. Finally they went to bed.  
  
DUDE!!!!!!! This is like my longest chapter ever! Thank you, J.R.R. Tolkein! You have saved my writing life! 1,383 words! And 4 pages! 


	3. Where Everybody Was

Chapter 3  
  
Where Me, Monkey, Paprika, and the Rest Were  
  
By now you're probably wondering where Monkey, Paprika, Rhee, Turtle- Bot, Nora, Pantoof, Kim, Tibby, Stella, Aria, Doctress, Tigris, and I were during this. We were in the second book. Yes, they happened around the same time thanks to the many world theory. If C. S. Lewis and Beethoven can do things out of order, then so can I!!!!!!!!! While Bilbo and the dwarves were having tea, we were in Tortuga, which as you should remember if you are a dutiful reader, was a very interesting chapter. NOD!!!!!!!!! Thank you. Anyway, the 2nd and 3rd books happen at the same time so don't be surprised if we're not in each story all or even most of the time. I know you'll miss us, but I just hope you'll survive.  
  
I think I'll take this time to answer what reviews I have gotten in the second book at this time.  
  
Chapter 1 Reviews  
  
Faerie of Serendipity- Gay people flounce. Remember Pete. ER- So frikkin' what!  
  
Chapter 2 Reviews  
  
ER- Done. Faerie of Serendipity- Right. . . ER- Once again, so frikkin' what!  
  
Chapter 3 Reviews  
  
Faerie of Serendipity- Sorry. ER- That's why I put it in there. (  
  
Chapter 4 Reviews  
  
Faerie of Serendipity- Just two of the main characters in the Lord of the Rings trilogy! ER- (  
  
Chapter 5 Reviews  
  
Faerie of Serendipity- Sorry. ER- ?  
  
Chapter 6 Reviews  
  
ER- Did so. And will you quit with the eunuch thing already!? Faerie of Serendipity- OK. Quit complaining! ER- *stares at drunken idiot Monkey has become* you really can't dance. 


	4. Roast Mutton and a Rude Awakening

Chapter 4  
  
Roast Mutton and a Rude Awakening  
  
When we last heard from Bilbo, he was sleeping. The next morning he had rather a rude awakening.  
  
"Boo!" Monkey yelled loudly. Turtle, Tigris, Doctress, Tibby, Paprika, Nora, Pantoof, Kim, Monkey, Aria, Stella, Turtle-Bot, Rhee, and Penguin had been waiting for Bilbo to wake up for hours.  
  
Bilbo screamed. He wasn't used to so many strange visitors three days in a row.  
  
"That's not a very nice thing to say to Queens," Turtle said.  
  
"We've been sent as representatives of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Queens. You probably haven't heard of us, but we help in expeditions like yours," explained Paprika.  
  
"I'm Turtle, Queen of Freece and Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs," said Turtle. "And you, my dear friend, are going to be late if we waste anymore time talking. You are supposed to meet the dwarves at the Green Dragon Inn at 11 a.m. We'll meet you there. Hurry or you'll be late!" Thus saying, she drew the hood of her cloak so that it made her face seem to be just a shadow. "Goodbye, little hobbit." She walked out of the room and onto the road outside Bilbo's house. Everyone except Bilbo followed.  
  
"Do you think we should let him take our shortcut?" Doctress asked.  
  
"No. He might tell other people here about portals. Then, our secret will be gone. Being a hobbit, he wouldn't realize that," Turtle answered. "Do you have any smoke bombs?"  
  
"Do I ever not have something that has a fuse to light?"  
  
"Nope. Any with glitter?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Good. I feel like making our disappearing act look pretty today," said Turtle opening a portal to the road in front of the Green Dragon Inn. Doctress threw a lighted smoke bomb in both the area they were leaving and the area they were going to. They all went through the portal hurriedly.  
  
~*~AT THE GREEN DRAGON INN~*~  
  
The girls walked into the inn and quickly found the table where the dwarves and Gandalf were sitting. They sat down, and Turtle drew back her hood. "Hello, everyone. Where's Bilbo? He should be here by now. It's almost 11."  
  
"Who knows?" Balin answered. "He'll probably scrape in here just at 11." And right he was, for just as the clock struck 11 o'clock, Bilbo ran in the door.  
  
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If you don't mind, I'm going to take a break, so that I can do something other than write for a while. I've written enough for one day.  
  
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I'm back! *silence* I know you're happy, so you can applaud now. *continued silence* Fine, then! Here's the story.  
  
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"Bravo! You may be good for something after all," said Turtle who had been waiting and was not fond of giving compliments. The dwarves, the girls, and Gandalf rose. They were laden with baggage. A pony was there for each of the dwarves and Bilbo. Gandalf had a horse. The girls had enough intelligence to have left their giant rodents in the forest on the edge of the Shire.  
  
"I'm awfully sorry," said Bilbo ignoring her slightly rude comment, "but I have come without my hat, and I have left my pocket-handkerchief behind, and I haven't got any mon-"  
  
"Can it, Stuffy!" interrupted Turtle who wasn't fond of listening to people make excuses either.  
  
"I beg your pardon!" Bilbo had never been told to "can it", whatever that meant, much less had he ever been called "Stuffy".  
  
"Let me rephrase: Be quiet, O Insult to the Name of Took!" Turtle wasn't very good at being polite. Of course, she wasn't trying very hard either, so that could be the reason for her constant straightforwardness (also known as rudeness).  
  
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I'm leaving yall again. Sorry, but it's my bedtime. Accursed time when I must go and pretend to sleep until I finally submit to insomnia! Oh, well.  
  
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I'm back! Again! I just finished rereading a depressing story about vampires, so that might accidentally warp this part of the story. Good luck, O faithful readers who should review every single chapter (hint, hint).  
  
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Bilbo didn't know what to say, so he did what Turtle said and was silent. "Thank you," Turtle said quietly. "Now we are going to get on these ponies and ride in the vague direction of the Misty Mountains. And when I say we, I mean all of us. Maybe we should introduce ourselves. As I said when we last saw each other, I am Turtle, Queen of Freece, Supreme Ruler of Happy Frogs, etc."  
  
"I'm Doctress, a deranged explosives expert." Doctress liked things quick and straight to the point.  
  
"I'm Tibby, O dork." Tibby was popular. She couldn't be seen being nice to a midget with hairy feet.  
  
I am Tigris, mortal. You might have heard of me. I am one of the descendants of Tagri, killer of goblins and other stupid creatures. Bow down and grovel at my toes. Tigris was, as always, merciless. Bilbo was a stupid creature and groveled at Tigris' paws. He had never heard of Tagri, but didn't want to get killed for being a stupid creature.  
  
"AHEM!" Everyone stared at FOO!. "I am FOO!, sole worshipper of Monkey, Queen of Insanity and Supreme Ruler of Clicky Pens."  
  
"I'm Horse," said Horse.  
  
"She's the only one here with enough common sense to keep quiet," explained Turtle. "The rest of us act like eccentric people around strangers."  
  
"I am Paprika, Queen of Carmenia. It's a pleasure to meet you," said Paprika politely.  
  
"Give me a K!" Kim was as always playing her part with enthusiasm.  
  
"K!" Tibby and Nancy were waving pom-poms.  
  
"Give me an I!"  
  
"Not this again . . ." muttered Turtle as Tibby and Nancy yelled "I!" stupidly.  
  
"Give me an M!"  
  
"This sounds a lot like Wheel of Fortune," said FOO!. "Next thing you know Kim will be buying vowels."  
  
"M!" Tibby and Nancy could never get tired of being preps.  
  
"What's that spell?"  
  
"Notice she asked that. She doesn't even know how to spell her own name," Turtle said cynically as one of Kim's projectile pom-poms hit her in the head. "KIM!"  
  
"Whoo!" yelled all the preppy cheerleader people.  
  
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Well, I've got to go get some antiseptic for my head from which blood is gushing. Who would think that pom-poms were that sharp? It's just like that time my cousin got stitches from a projectile Cocoa-Puff.  
  
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Hello. I'm currently pretending to get up and get ready for school, but I've got 2 hours before school starts anyway, so who cares?  
  
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"If we weren't all immortal, I would SO kill you." Turtle was as always cynical and straight to the point. A portal opened with Giraffe's head in it who said, "Till you die!" Kim simply continued cheering.  
  
"Um, I'm Nancy, and I believe that preps should have free reign of all of the stores in the worlds," said Nancy whom everyone stared at.  
  
"I'm Rhee, and I'm suicidal!" said Rhee. Everyone stared at Rhee. "What?" Rhee was so much like Monkey it was almost scary.  
  
I am Aria, the monkey of insanity, said Aria. Stella continued, and I'm Stella, Aria's alternate personality.  
  
"We're bringing strange animals on this trip?" Bilbo asked.  
  
I may be strange, mortal, but you would be wise to never say the word animal around me. Tigris was as always attempting to start a cult centered on herself. We are much better than your simple livestock. We are royalty. You're not, so you must continue to grovel at my paws, O stupid one. Bilbo, as foolish things are prone to do, groveled at Tigris' furry toes once again.  
  
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Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint my nails purple, and if you do mind, then I'm going to paint them purple with many colors of glitter!  
  
Damn you, Tibby!  
  
That's not a very nice thing to say.  
  
You stole my line.  
  
So friggin' what!  
  
Fiend! Oh, well. I like purple with many colors of glitter . . .  
  
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So the nail polish didn't work out!  
  
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"Now, we had better at least begin to begin our adventure thing," said Turtle. "We'll stay with you until the end of this chapter, but after that we're going back to our previous business."  
  
"OK, then." And Gandalf thought he was in charge.  
  
"Onward!" said Turtle pointing in the vague direction of where they were going with her left arm.  
  
"To stardom!" said Paprika pointing with her right. Everyone stared. Turtle just grinned evilly. At that point, they started off on their happy little journey thing.  
  
~*~THREE HOURS LATER~*~  
  
"Are we there yet?" asked FOO! who, like her idol, was extremely impatient.  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!" yelled everyone except Monkey who simply asked, "Are we?" As she said so, she turned her head away from where she was going and walked into a low-hanging branch.  
  
Turtle walked up to where Monkey was lying. "She's out cold which inconveniently poses the problem of how to get her through a portal into Book 2. Bilbo, there's a fire down there. Go burgle or something." Thus saying, she complacently pushed him down the conveniently placed downward sloping hill. He rolled about a hundred feet down, and landed in a shrubbery.  
  
"YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE KILLED MY SHRUBBERY!" screamed a knight that says Nee.  
  
"Who the something or other are you?!" asked Bilbo that doesn't say Nee.  
  
"I am a knight that says Nee. Succumb to my wrath!" yelled the knight. He complacently said Nee several times, but when Bilbo didn't react, he said sullenly, "Sorry. I must be in the wrong movie/book/production of some sort. Farewell, short and fat being that doesn't say Nee!" Then, he walked away.  
  
"Now, to find that fire and put it out," said Bilbo stupidly. He began walking in what was apparently the vague direction of the fire.  
  
~*~MEANWHILE~*~  
  
Turtle was writing quickly in a small black notebook without any lines. Either she had a crazy plan or she had just been inspired enough to write something.  
  
"Whatcha writin'?" asked FOO!  
  
"A song. Do you think the band would like it?"  
  
"Sure, but you should probably write some music to go with it."  
  
"Yeah, but I don't know many chords on the guitar yet. And where am I going to learn to write music for a clarinet. Or a flute. Or both."  
  
"Maybe Horse and Paprika could write their own music."  
  
"Maybe. But it's not really a drum song. Maybe Monkey could play the drums really, really slow."  
  
"Just one thing: Since when did you start writing songs?"  
  
"Technically, since Sixth grade. Untechnically, since last week."  
  
"Oh. Well, at least you don't write songs about sex."  
  
"No, I'd have to be popular to do that," said Turtle grinning evilly. FOO! walked away while giggling hysterically.  
  
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I just woke up, so I'm going to go and eat a cinnamon roll before I get writers' block. I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until the end of Part 1 to read the song. ; )  
  
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Buenos días. I'm going to continue the story now.  
  
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~*~MEANWHILE~*~ (pronounced mean-why-lee)  
  
"I am SO friggin' sick of mutton!" Bert the troll was sick of mutton.  
  
"Mutton today, mutton yesterday, and blimey if it ain't lookin' like mutton tomorrow!" Tom was practicing sarcasm.  
  
"William, you're an idiot to bring us out here! Even the beer's runnin' out!" Bert was simply telling the truth. Tom was simply amazed at the shortage of beer.  
  
"Shut yer trap, both of ya!" yelled William. They had been doing this for hours. "I think I hear something." He didn't really. He just thought it would shut them up. Of course the fact that at that moment Bilbo came running towards the fire was just an added bonus.  
  
"There's that fire! Now to find some water," said Bilbo completely not noticing the gigantic trolls that suddenly picked him up.  
  
~*~MEANWHILE WITH THE OTHERS~*~  
  
The others were singing karaoke to get Monkey to wake up.  
  
"And so I learned to get along,  
"And so you're back  
"From outer space  
"Da da da da da da da da. . . Damn!" They had all forgotten the rest of the words.  
  
Turtle decided to take matters into her own hands. "Monkey! If you don't wake up right now, I'm going to dye my hair lime green!" Then to the others, "I've always wanted to do this." Seeing as Monkey didn't wake up, Turtle used her magical powers to turn her hair lime green. "Whoa. She still didn't get up. Oh, well, I've got a better idea. Penguin, 21." Penguin grinned.  
  
"I'm up! I'm up!" yelled Monkey getting up drowsily. "Why'd you have to wake me up? I was having a lovely dream."  
  
"Was it about stabbing a fluffy pink bunny repeatedly?" Turtle hated fluffy pink bunnies. They were EAVILL! (and doom) little rats with furry butts! Not to mention the flat-out pink-ness!  
  
"Not exactly. It was about killing a fluffy pink bunny with a tree branch," said Monkey, not seeing the irony of it all. "Where's Bilbo?"  
  
"I don't know. Ask the old wizardly dude." Turtle didn't know. She just wanted to point out that he wasn't there.  
  
"Gandalf! I already told you I didn't want to play hide and seek!" yelled Dwalin.  
  
"Damn," muttered Gandalf stepping out from behind an obvious place behind a tree that no one but a wizard would be able to hide behind.  
  
Stupid wizardly powers! Why do they get powers? They're just stupid "wise" old dudes. Notice there aren't any wizardly dudettes. That's just weird. And all the wizards seem to find something wrong with waiting to tell all their stupid titles. They can't just wait for a time to do a perfect speech in front of a bunch of stupid people who they've never met before. And they're all Somebody the Random Color. Next thing you know, we'll all be reading about how Ishnak the Mauve killed Grackle the Fuchsia, because Grackle said that mauve is a girly color. Now I'm going to have to go back to the story, because I've run out of things to rant and rave about. :P  
  
"SO! Where's Bilbo?" asked Horse. She was always getting everyone back on topic.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe we should go look for him," suggested Gandalf the (Pink? Purple? Fuchsia? Lime green?) Gray. (Why gray? Gray's a stupid color!) (Well, it wasn't my idea for him to be GRAY of all colors!) (Well, sorry!)  
  
"One at a time!" suggested Monkey. Gandalf pouted. She had taken his stupid idea.  
  
"I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling about this. Therefore, I am SO coming with yall!" Turtle really felt like hurting something. Nobody had paid attention to her hair.  
  
"Sounds like a plan," said Horse attempting to finalize the idea.  
  
"You're right, but it's the insanity that counts." Turtle loved the fact that all the good plans they could come up with were at least partially insane. Horse, however, had common sense and saw that they were eccentric, not insane, but decided not to burst their happy little bubble of eccentricity/insanity/whatever. Turtle had realized the same thing, but due to years of brainwashing (a.k.a. school) had not bothered to tell anybody. And she didn't want to make Monkey queen of eccentricity. Then where would she get a title for this story? "Well, I hate to break it to you little bearded dudes and tall really, really old dude and little non- bearded dude who isn't here, but we gotta go take care of some Quinopian government business. So basically, bye little dudes and really, really old tall dude." Turtle was so glad those midget losers weren't coming to the Frecian Independence Day Ball. If they came, what would be the point in Monkey spiking the punch? The midget dudes' smell would sober everybody up real quick. Thus saying she opened a portal to Freece. "Periwinkle to you all and farewell!" I love the word "periwinkle". It's so fun to say. Periwinkle! Periwinkle periwinkle periwinkle periwinkle . . .In case you don't know, periwinkle is a color, namely my second favorite color. Turtle, Doctress, Tibby, Tigris, Monkey, Turtle-Bot, Rhee, Aria, Stella, Paprika, Nora, Kim, Pantoof, Penguin, Horse, Nancy, and FOO! rode their giant mice and squirrels through the portal. Then Turtle closed the portal behind them.  
  
All the dwarves and Gandalf the Gray-haired cheered. (I thought it was just Gray.) (Shut up!) (Fine then!) Turtle appeared through another portal and said, "I'm watching you. Each and every one of you bearded people. So shut up! Then she left.  
  
~*~IN FREECE~*~  
  
"Now to go and invite a few pirates to the ball. Wouldn't want the stuffy prunes to take over." Turtle was as always planning to be mean to prunes.  
  
Now go read Chapter 10 of Book 2. Isn't confusing people fun? ( 


	5. We're Back!

Chapter 5  
We're Back!  
  
The group proceeded through the portal. It was night and they were on the same road they had been on earlier.  
"According to my calculations, Bilbo and the dwarves should be that way." Horse pointed off to their left.  
"Okay, then. We should probably hurry up before they get eaten." Turtle started off. The others hesitated. "Come on. I've got a deadline here!"  
"That's true." Monkey had given her the deadline when Turtle had asked her what she wanted for her birthday. They trudged down the mountainside towards where Horse had pointed.  
  
FIVE MINUTES LATER  
  
"Are you sure it's this way?" Monkey asked.  
"Positive," Horse replied. "Why?"  
"Because that's the third time we've passed that tree."  
"Hush, y'all." Turtle led them through some bushes to their right towards a fire and some very peculiar boulders. The boulders began to move.  
"I think we found them," Horse said quietly.  
"I think you're right," Turtle said to her. Then she spoke loudly to the trolls that had been mistaken for moving boulders. "Well, hi there!" A lime green bubble formed around the girls, creatures, and FOO!. Monkey added some red fire to it. Horse added some dark green, and Paprika added some light blue. Penguin and Raitlin teleported out of the bubble to stand behind the trolls. They placed some marbles beneath the trolls' feet. At the sight of their disappearance, the trolls stepped back. The second they did Penguin and Raitlin teleported back into the bubble. The trolls tripped on the marbles and blacked out. "Bye then."  
"That was convenient." Monkey stated the obvious as usual. The bubble disappeared as the girls took back their magic. FOO! made a flash of sunlight, causing the trolls to turn into stone.  
"Whoa!" yelled Devil Girl with happiness.  
Turtle grinned. Magic was fun. "Let's go untie the little critters."  
  
AN HOUR LATER  
  
The dwarves were untied from where the trolls had tied them up in a cave. After they finished puking, they estimated the cost of some weapons they found there.  
"We're going to need a bus to get all of us out of here," complained Monkey.  
"That's an idea," said Turtle "I request two weapons of my choice to provide transportation."  
Thorin looked furious for a moment, but finally said yes. 


	6. The Freekmobile!

Chapter 6  
The Freekmobile!  
  
"What kind of transportation?" Horse asked suspiciously.  
"We're gonna make a Freekmobile." Turtle was in the middle of a crazy idea as Monkey took a laptop out of nowhere and handed to her. Turtle proceeded to sell the two weapons on E-Bay and bought a bus which Monkey got in the mail two minutes later. Turtle mailed the two weapons to their buyer. Turtle used her magic to paint the bus with skulls on one side and a picture of the Freekish makeover on the other. The inside she furnished with X-mas lights. She even changed the seats to be lime green velvet swivel chairs and added dwarf-sized compartments above the seats for loose items.  
"Whoa!" Devil Girl was new to the Sisterhood and had never seen anything like this happen before.  
Gandalf suddenly appeared yelling, "Let dawn take you!" and flashing sunlight.  
Turtle stared at him and said, "Dude, you're late. Get on the Freekmobile."  
Gandalf opened his mouth for a second then sadly trudged onto the bus and sat near the front. The dwarves took up the rest of the front half along with Bilbo who sat with Gandalf. The girls, creatures, and FOO! took up the back half.  
"Who's driving?" asked Horse.  
"The Freekmobile is," Turtle replied as if this were obvious.  
A voice came on the speakerphone, "Please sit down while I start the vehicle. Once we get going, you will be free to walk about the bus."  
Horse sat down suddenly. She looked to either side of her. "Where are the seat belts?"  
Turtle grinned as the bus drove off quickly and some hard rock music began to play loudly. Devil Girl yelled along with the music loudly and grinned. "This is so cool!"  
  
Sorry, if this is short, but it was good anyway, so shut up. 


	7. Night

Author's note: Please read Prologue on fiction press. It explains some things.  
  
Chapter 7  
Night  
  
Later that night, the music had shut off, and the dwarves were snoring. Everyone was trying to get to sleep despite the noise. Finally Turtle got up and exclaimed, "That IT! I've had it with these fricking dwarves!" She used her magical powers to open the compartments and stuff the dwarves in. (Now you see why they were dwarf-sized, don't you?) "The rest of us don't have to sleep in these chairs, you know."  
"We don't?" asked Horse.  
"No, of course not. There's a second story."  
"Really?" asked Monkey.  
"The questions are starting to get a LITTLE annoying. Follow me." She opened the door on the back of the bus and started to climb a ladder that just happened to be on the back. The others followed silently. Turtle opened a door near the top of the bus revealing a large room with several beds and farther along a bathroom. Each bed had a name carved into the wood above the pillows. Paprika immediately found her bed and jumped on it, squealing insanely. Turtle continued, "There are drawers under the beds with some pajamas. Yall can change in the bathroom." The slowly walked over to her bed and opened a drawer taking out a box. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to light a few candles for those who don't want to go to sleep just yet. Namely me." She opened the box and took out some taper candles, some candle holders, and a lighter. "Does anybody else have trouble sleeping?"  
"Damn insomnia," said Doctress. "It's contagious."  
"Not me," said Paprika. She went into the bathroom to change into some pajamas.  
Monkey fell asleep on her bed.  
"Okay," said FOO!.  
"Anything for candles," said Rhee.  
"Would yall mind going downstairs?" asked Horse. I don't want yall keeping me awake."  
"Okay," said Turtle putting the stuff back in the box. FOO!, Rhee, Doctress, and Turtle changed into their pajamas and climbed downstairs. Turtle moved the chairs, so they could sit in a circle on the floor and began to light the candles and put them in holders. She turned off the lights and places the candles around them. "Now, who here has heard of Truth or Truth?" 


	8. Truth or Truth

Faerie of Serendipity- Um, I didn't tell the whole gosh-darned world. You did.

ERMonkey, Burner of Cookies- Well, then. sticks out tongue

Chapter 8 

Truth or Truth

"What happened to dare?" asked FOO! with a puzzled look on his face.

"Do you really want to be forced into doing something totally embarrassing to be laughed at by the world?" asked Turtle. "'Cause if so, we can certainly arrange something. . ."

"No!" said FOO! hurriedly. "I'll survive without the dare."

"Are you sure?" FOO! nodded. "Good. Now let us continue. This works sort of like Truth or Dare, but there's no dare. Somebody picks a person and asks them a question. The person has to answer. Then they pick somebody and so on and so forth. Any questions? Other than the ones we're about to ask each other thus making up the game?" There was silence. "Okee dokee then. Who wants to start?"

FOO! suddenly waved his arms and said, "I do! Rhee, does Monkey like me back?"

"No. Doctress, did you bring any marshmallows?"

"No. FOO!, why do you like Monkey?"

"Um . . . Because she's interesting?"

"That is the stupidest answer I have ever heard," said Turtle bluntly. "Now tell us the truth. Otherwise we'll have to change the name to Lies or Lies."

"That sounds like fun," said FOO! avoiding the subject completely. "Why not? We could all practice lying-"

"FOO!"

"-And since when has that been a bad thing?"

"FOO!"

"What?"

"Answer the question. Why do you like Monkey?"

"Oh. Well, she's funny and weird and yeah."

"Okee dokee then." Everyone was silent as they waited for FOO! to realize it was his turn. Finally Turtle informed him. "Um, dude, it's kind of your turn."

"Oh. Right. Rhee, why doesn't Monkey like me?"

"Because you act pathetic. Doctress, will you go get some marshmallows?"

"No. Turtle, where did you hide my matches?"

"In Turtle-Bot. FOO!, if Horse is a girl, how are you, her AP, a guy?"

"I dunno. We're just weird that way, I guess. Rhee, why do you want marshmallows?"

"Because they taste good. Turtle, where are the marshmallows?"

"On the fourth floor, in the kitchen-"

"There's a kitchen?" asked Rhee as her eyes lit up.

"Quite obviously. You must not have been paying attention."

"Well, that means that there is one thing to do about this . . ."

"And that would be?"

"Midnight snack raid!!!!!" Paprika, who had been climbing down the ladder was just in time to here that last comment.

"I want ice cream! Mint chocolate chip!" she shrieked happily.

"Okee dokee then. Followeth up the laddereth," Turtle said mystically.

They climbed up the ladders to the fourth floor where they found a kitchen complete with fridge, freezer, oven, and pantry.

"Diggeth inneth," spoketh Turtle. They all ran in different directions to search the kitchen for food. Paprika ran to the freezer to get her mint chocolate chip ice cream. Rhee ran to the pantry to find some marshmallows. FOO! ran to the fridge to look for pickles, and Turtle ran towards the oven to melt some caramel and milk chocolate to mix with her marshmallow cream. After a while they all sat down at the table with their chosen snacks and weapons of choice. Rhee and FOO! ate their pickles and marshmallows with their hands, while Paprika and Turtle ate their chosen messes with spoons.

All of a sudden, FOO! spoke. "What time is it?"

"How am I supposed to know?" said Turtle.

"Are we all going to talk in questions?" asked Rhee.

"Should we?" questioned Paprika.

"Und ya!" said Turtle. Everyone stared. "It's Swedish for duh."

"Oh."

After a while they all got tired and went to bed.


End file.
